And it is called HOPE! Yes indeedy, I went to Weight Watchers and weighed in on Feb. 25th, 2011 and I had lost 4.4 pounds for a total of 13.8 pounds lost since January! And I feel great about that!
It's a real shot of hope that this whole weight loss journey isn't some bad joke. The only thing is that I do have some concerns about gaining that weight when I shouldn't have, I mean before. I have tried my best to cut back on taking the one pain medicine, Vicodin (I think that's how it's spelled) and take the Motrin instead but I gotta say, the Motrin doesn't take away the pain quite as well! Some days I can handle some of the pain, other days, not so much. I need to keep an eye on that and see if I gain weight when I use more Vicodin than usual.
I feel so much hope that I took all the money I had left and went shopping at super Walmart and picked up some low cal TV dinners to help me on this weight loss journey. I know they have too much salt in the them but if it is a choice of eating some other crap because I don't feel well enough to cook and eating a low cal frozen dinner, then, I'm going to eat the frozen dinner and count the points! It's a trade off for me because I don't feel well enough to cook a LOT of the time and that makes it VERY hard to count points. Sometimes I will eat something just to make the hunger pains in my stomach go away or when I am feel shaky and sick with low blood sugar. Being diabetic sucks too.
And now I have this weird spot growing on the side of my leg so I need to make a doctors appointment. I really don't like going to the doctor much. I'm not scared so much as it is such a long and drawn out process and then they just tell you bad stuff or want to cut you open or something. After the one and only surgery that I had a few years back, I really am against going to the doctor! Gotta get over that though, what if the spot on my leg is cancer or an ulcer or something? Creepy!!
But I am leaning towards being back on the Weight Watchers track and continuing my weight loss journey. I want to continue even when I'm not doing so good because I don't ever want to give up this time. I want to keep on this journey until enough weight comes off that I can start walking with the family.
I have a plan and I am going to take it one day at a time. I am going to watch what I eat and track the points and weigh in at Weight Watchers each week. That is my plan for TODAY. Then, we will see about tomorrow too!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Huh, been a long time since I posted a blog....
I really have been down in the dumps about this whole weight loss journey and I really and seriously considered just saying "screw it" and quitting but....I didn't.
I went back to Weight Watchers and weighed in on Feb. 18th, 2011 and I had lost .8 tenths of a pound. Sure, not much, BUT, it was a loss and as I say, any loss is a good loss! So that actually helped me to re-focus my efforts on this weight loss journey. I really needed that little boost too because, as I said, I was very close to quitting.
Quitting is such a bad idea though because weighing almost 400 pounds is such a bad, bad thing! I don't feel well...almost always. The times that I actually feel good physically are few and far between because something always hurts; joints etc. or I just plain don't feel well. And when I don't feel well, I don't do anything but lay around which is pretty much how I got where I am; almost 50 years old and almost a total cripple. It's embarrassing that my dad gets around better than I do and he's 100% disabled from the military and he's 76, can barely breathe or move, has a pace maker and is in very poor health. And I am more lame than him a lot of the time. That is freaking SAD!
Then emotionally, I hate how I feel. I feel bad physically and that affects my emotional stability. In fact, lots of times, it's like, huh, WHAT emotional stability? I take 50 mg. of zoloft every day to keep me somewhat even, emotionally. The zoloft also helps me not to just sit there and cry and I don't have quite the anxiety attacks like I used to (thank goodness!).
This weight loss journey is HARD! Plus I hate it but then I hate everything when I don't feel well, darn it!
I went back to Weight Watchers and weighed in on Feb. 18th, 2011 and I had lost .8 tenths of a pound. Sure, not much, BUT, it was a loss and as I say, any loss is a good loss! So that actually helped me to re-focus my efforts on this weight loss journey. I really needed that little boost too because, as I said, I was very close to quitting.
Quitting is such a bad idea though because weighing almost 400 pounds is such a bad, bad thing! I don't feel well...almost always. The times that I actually feel good physically are few and far between because something always hurts; joints etc. or I just plain don't feel well. And when I don't feel well, I don't do anything but lay around which is pretty much how I got where I am; almost 50 years old and almost a total cripple. It's embarrassing that my dad gets around better than I do and he's 100% disabled from the military and he's 76, can barely breathe or move, has a pace maker and is in very poor health. And I am more lame than him a lot of the time. That is freaking SAD!
Then emotionally, I hate how I feel. I feel bad physically and that affects my emotional stability. In fact, lots of times, it's like, huh, WHAT emotional stability? I take 50 mg. of zoloft every day to keep me somewhat even, emotionally. The zoloft also helps me not to just sit there and cry and I don't have quite the anxiety attacks like I used to (thank goodness!).
This weight loss journey is HARD! Plus I hate it but then I hate everything when I don't feel well, darn it!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Stumbling, failing and a bad case of the blahs....
I am not doing well with the weight loss journey. In fact, my journey is currently stalled. That undeserved weight gain threw off my entire plan, my entire life and I am having trouble getting back on track. I haven't fully given up though but, I am having serious depression and a super bad case of the "who cares?"
I'm really worried....
I'm really worried....
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Ready to Quit, Already....
I'm still fighting off the depression and shock I had from the scale at weigh in. I don't want to quit Weight Watchers but, I DO want to quit Weight Watchers. I almost feel like the whole thing is pointless. This was actually one of my huge fears about joining Weight Watchers in the first place; that I could not lose weight.
Not too long after I was first diagnosed as a diabetic, I was actively trying to lose weight and instead, I gained and gained and gained. The doctor I had at that time verbally chastised me that she could not help me if I would not help myself. At the time though, I WAS actively trying to lose weight and I had no idea what the heck was happening; how could I be gaining so much weight?
It wasn't until a few years later that another, a doctor who specialized in diabetes, told me that the medicine I was on at the time, Actos, will cause weight gain. And not just a little weight gain but lots of weight gain, especially the higher the dosage you take. Huh, and I'd had that quack doctor telling me that I had to quit eating so much when THAT had nothing to do with the weight gain. What a mess! Some doctor cause more harm than good. That's been my experience anyway because when she told me that I had to quit eating so much, and I WAS eating right, proper portions etc., I felt hopeless, sort of like I'm feeling right now.
I am not sure how to get over this hurdle. I don't know if I will, or even if I CAN, lose weight. I need to make a doctors appointment and go in and talk to him. I just don't like going to the doctor, not since my surgery three years ago; giant ovarian mass removal with complications. Bleck!
I'm still thinking and pondering and wondering what to do about this whole situation. I just don't know what the answer is yet.
Not too long after I was first diagnosed as a diabetic, I was actively trying to lose weight and instead, I gained and gained and gained. The doctor I had at that time verbally chastised me that she could not help me if I would not help myself. At the time though, I WAS actively trying to lose weight and I had no idea what the heck was happening; how could I be gaining so much weight?
It wasn't until a few years later that another, a doctor who specialized in diabetes, told me that the medicine I was on at the time, Actos, will cause weight gain. And not just a little weight gain but lots of weight gain, especially the higher the dosage you take. Huh, and I'd had that quack doctor telling me that I had to quit eating so much when THAT had nothing to do with the weight gain. What a mess! Some doctor cause more harm than good. That's been my experience anyway because when she told me that I had to quit eating so much, and I WAS eating right, proper portions etc., I felt hopeless, sort of like I'm feeling right now.
I am not sure how to get over this hurdle. I don't know if I will, or even if I CAN, lose weight. I need to make a doctors appointment and go in and talk to him. I just don't like going to the doctor, not since my surgery three years ago; giant ovarian mass removal with complications. Bleck!
I'm still thinking and pondering and wondering what to do about this whole situation. I just don't know what the answer is yet.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Weigh In & Absolute Despair....Day Unknown
I gained weight. At weigh in my weight was 393 pounds. I was shocked! I had tracked the food I ate and I had been more active and I gained 3.8 pounds! I couldn't stay for the Weight Watchers meeting because I had to go sit in the van and cry for awhile. I was devastated.
I felt as if my body had betrayed me. I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I DID NOT do anything to justify gaining weight! And yet there it was, the scale read that I had gained weight. And not just a pound, but almost four pounds! OMG!
At the very least, I should have been able to pick something that I ate during the week that would justify such a weight gain but no, I could not. Now, this past week was very hard on me, from a physical standpoint. I have been in so much pain. My joints have been bothering me quite a bit and I have not been able to function without taking my pain medication. In fact, I've been taking quite a few pain meds.
Before I left the scale, the WW leader did mention that when your body is in pain and you are taking more pain medications, that it can cause your body to gain weight. Okaaaayyyy.
I don't know what think about the whole thing. I know I want to quit eating food completely but, that's not practical (ok, I admit, it's stupid!). I know I want to quit Weight Watchers because what's the point? But again, that's stupid and will end up killing me in the long run and probably sooner, rather than later.
I'm discouraged and depressed. I'm not entirely certain what to do. I guess I will have to think about it some more and keep on tracking the points for the food I eat. I don't know exactly what to do other than that. But all I can say is, this freaking sucks!
I felt as if my body had betrayed me. I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I DID NOT do anything to justify gaining weight! And yet there it was, the scale read that I had gained weight. And not just a pound, but almost four pounds! OMG!
At the very least, I should have been able to pick something that I ate during the week that would justify such a weight gain but no, I could not. Now, this past week was very hard on me, from a physical standpoint. I have been in so much pain. My joints have been bothering me quite a bit and I have not been able to function without taking my pain medication. In fact, I've been taking quite a few pain meds.
Before I left the scale, the WW leader did mention that when your body is in pain and you are taking more pain medications, that it can cause your body to gain weight. Okaaaayyyy.
I don't know what think about the whole thing. I know I want to quit eating food completely but, that's not practical (ok, I admit, it's stupid!). I know I want to quit Weight Watchers because what's the point? But again, that's stupid and will end up killing me in the long run and probably sooner, rather than later.
I'm discouraged and depressed. I'm not entirely certain what to do. I guess I will have to think about it some more and keep on tracking the points for the food I eat. I don't know exactly what to do other than that. But all I can say is, this freaking sucks!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Sloooooooooow weight loss....Day 21
Well, it was weigh in day again and I went and found that I had lost .2 which seems like a very small number. In fact, it almost seems worthless but, is it really? I mean it's only been three weeks since I started Weight Watchers and in total I am down 12.4 pounds and that's good, right? Well heck yes, it is!
The problem is that I wanted to lose so much more than a "mere" .2 tenths of a pound but it really is slow and steady that will win this race. Huh, what race? Well, the weight loss journey i.e. race that is a part of my new lifestyle change, you know what I mean?
It doesn't help that my own mother thinks that I didn't do well this week by losing "just .2" Yikes, now them's some fightin' words! LOL Seriously, I can't listen to my own mother about this or I might want to quit right now because who cares anyway? I don't want to fall into any of those old traps and self-defeating attitudes so begone I say!
And really, I've been sick this past week and still managed to stay on track with my eating and I still lost weight so I am thinking that I am pretty darn awesome!
So in that spirit I want to say that I lost .2 tenths of a pound for a grand total of 12.4 pounds lost! Yay me! I am down to 389.2 and I only have 7.6 pounds to go to reach my goal of losing the first 5% of my body weight. Yay!!
The problem is that I wanted to lose so much more than a "mere" .2 tenths of a pound but it really is slow and steady that will win this race. Huh, what race? Well, the weight loss journey i.e. race that is a part of my new lifestyle change, you know what I mean?
It doesn't help that my own mother thinks that I didn't do well this week by losing "just .2" Yikes, now them's some fightin' words! LOL Seriously, I can't listen to my own mother about this or I might want to quit right now because who cares anyway? I don't want to fall into any of those old traps and self-defeating attitudes so begone I say!
And really, I've been sick this past week and still managed to stay on track with my eating and I still lost weight so I am thinking that I am pretty darn awesome!
So in that spirit I want to say that I lost .2 tenths of a pound for a grand total of 12.4 pounds lost! Yay me! I am down to 389.2 and I only have 7.6 pounds to go to reach my goal of losing the first 5% of my body weight. Yay!!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Running Behind.....Day Sixteen
I have been sick with a cold and that makes it hard to function. Amazingly enough, I have been able to continue on the weight loss journey. I admit, I haven't been quite the stickler I was when I first started but I also haven't gone crazy and eaten everything in sight.
I made myself go to super Walmart to buy convenience foods, i.e. TV dinners. I picked up the ones I like and that I know the Weight Watchers PointsPlus values for and that's almost all I have been eating this last week. Since my adult daughter has been sick too, it makes it even harder for anyone to do any cooking in the house. That would be the bad part of living with five other people, when one kid gets a cold, the rest of us are almost sure to catch it, especially since I have a compromised immune system (the diabetes).
So I had to make myself go to the Weight Watchers meeting on Friday morning. My cold had me feeling pretty low but I felt like I needed to go just to keep me on track. I am glad I did because I found out that I had lost another 4.2 pounds! I am now down to 389.4 pounds AND I earned another 5 pounds lost star! heehee
I am now on week 3 of Weight Watchers PointsPlus program and while it isn't easy peasy, at least it is not miserable, even though having a cold and being sick really is quite miserable!
I made myself go to super Walmart to buy convenience foods, i.e. TV dinners. I picked up the ones I like and that I know the Weight Watchers PointsPlus values for and that's almost all I have been eating this last week. Since my adult daughter has been sick too, it makes it even harder for anyone to do any cooking in the house. That would be the bad part of living with five other people, when one kid gets a cold, the rest of us are almost sure to catch it, especially since I have a compromised immune system (the diabetes).
So I had to make myself go to the Weight Watchers meeting on Friday morning. My cold had me feeling pretty low but I felt like I needed to go just to keep me on track. I am glad I did because I found out that I had lost another 4.2 pounds! I am now down to 389.4 pounds AND I earned another 5 pounds lost star! heehee
I am now on week 3 of Weight Watchers PointsPlus program and while it isn't easy peasy, at least it is not miserable, even though having a cold and being sick really is quite miserable!
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